Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike thinks its passes enough muster to post, though
Fri Mar 09, 2007 at 02:38:12 pm EST
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Now not only does this story need a title, but approval from Al B
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Still Looking For a Title to This Story, Part Five


Previously:

http://www.mangacool.com/php/show.php?msg=parodyverse-20070115053148


http://www.mangacool.com/php/show.php?msg=parodyverse-20070227185601


Now:

It wasn’t the first time Killer Shrike woke in a hospital bed heavily bandaged and bound; hard luck super villains who spent most of their careers fighting out of their weight class were resigned such a state. The cybernetic biker chick with the purple hair giving him the stink eye was new though.

“Where’s your bird suit, Maddicks?” Yuki Shiro asked as she closed the magazine she had been perusing waiting for the Butcher Bird to come to.

“Damn Chinaman is still trying to scrub the bad hoo doo out of it,” was Simon’s inexplicable reply, “Why? Does seeing me in it make you hot?”

Yuki smiled predatorily at the manacled thug before reaching under the bedsheets and taking hold of his Achilles’ tendon, “What was that?” she asked, punctuating the question with a 400 psi pinch.

“AHHHHH! Ah! Ah! OK OK OK Uncle!! Uncle!”

Satisfied, the Gearhead Gumshoe let go, “Let’s see if we can conduct the rest of this interview in professional manner, hm?”

“Yeah, yeah,” the Butcher Bird muttered as he rubbed his heel against the bedspread in an attempt to rub some feeling back into it, “Next question.”

“Why were you at the tattoo parlor?”

“To get a tattoo. Duh.”

“Do you know why those cyborg dinosaurs were there?”

“I’m guessing it wasn’t to look for a fourth for bridge. OK!,” Maddicks tried in vain to slide his feet protectively under his body when the Legionnaire began standing, “I don’t know! Those things are hunters, right? At least they were in that movie. Somebody must have sent them to track me down.”

Yuki stopped her menacing ascent and looked at Shrike carefully, “Track you down? Why do they think they were after you?”

“Who else would they be after?”

“Do you know who those kids were?”

The mercenary recalled the two black teenagers who were being menaced by a raptor. Then he realized.

“The dinosaurs were after them,” he said slowly, “Not me.”

“Very good, Shrike. And it only took me explaining that fact to you for you to figure it out.”

“Ha- ha. Wait, the girl, she had some kind of tricked-out gizmo… like a blaster or something. It must have been what was used to electrocute the third dinosaur.”

“Microwave it, actually. Kara used a nega-phase disruptor, built by the Triple H Omni- communiqué Consortium. As ordinary an accessory as a cellphone, in the future.”

“Future?”

“Yep,” Yuki leaned forward, “Kara’s from the 23rd century. She’s the granddaughter of Wang the Conqueror. Heard of him? Her mom’s a real piece of work called Kinki. I’m sure the two of you would get along, given the fact you’re both messed in the head. But what’s most important to you is who Kara’s and the boy’s father is: Doctor Al B. Harper. I know you know him.”

“Your sugardaddy,” the Avian Assassin answered, “At least that’s what the Trombone reported.”

“Really? Who read it for you?”

Before KS could formulate a response Muffy Framlicker strode into the room, “I just heard from Al. There’s business in Mangatown involving Amy and Fleabot that requires the attention of an individual with your skill set,” she told the cybernetic PI.

“What, is someone in need of a ‘happy end-‘ ACK!” Simon’s jibe was cut off when the blonde in the ecru pantsuit drove the edge of the clipboard she carried into his trachea.

“Don’t hurt him too much; I think he likes it,” Yuki smirked, “What’s the situation?”

Muffy told her, and then Yuki swore.

*****



“Now, Mr. Maddicks, perhaps you’d like to discuss your situation?” the scientist inquired once the Legionnaire took off to deal with the latest crisis, “Not that I’d blame you if you didn’t. You are a wanted man, after all.”

The Butcher Bird glared at Muffy for several moments with murder in his eyes before responding, “Those charges were from before I died and was ressurected. Where I come from a guy goes through that he can get his record cleared on account of being ‘born again.’”

“You’re not in Damascus anymore, Simon.”

“Huh?” ‘Going biblical’ was a term Shrike understood only in the post-modern sense

“Forget it,” Miss Framlicker checked her notes, “Even if you could afford to hire a lawyer to make that case, there’s still the matter of the enormous hospital expenditures you’ll no doubt incur while staying here.”

“Hey, if I’m under arrest, then the feds gotta pick up the bill.”

“But you’re arguing the state has no right to arrest you.”

“They don’t. Wait. Yeah. That’s… look, I just got disemboweled by robot dinosaurs; it’s a bit much to expect me to do a lot of deep thinking right now.”

Muffy Framlicker nodded, “What if I was to do your thinking for you?”

“Meaning?”

“I know how to solve all of your problems. Well, almost all of them. There’s nothing I can do about your marginal social skills and poor fashion sense, but the rest….”

“H***, there’s nothing worse than a dame who thinks she’s got something on a man. Just tell me your genius idea, Blondie, before I decide to test the strength of these chains.”

The cofounder of Extraordinary Endeavors Enterprises flipped through the pages of the clipboard until she found what she needed, then held the paper in front of Simon’s eyes so he could see.

It was a contract.

“Shiro was joking about you being illiterate, wasn’t she, Mr. Maddicks? Because I’d rather not read the whole thing to you.”

“You want to hire me? For what?”

“Security. EEE is at risk for hostile takeover by some truly desperate parties.”

“These would be the people who sicced the dinos on Harper’s kids?”

“We believe so,” Muffy went on, “I checked your references online and found them more than satisfactory. One might even go as so far to say they were glowing.”

Shrike seemed dubious, “Why not just use Purple Nurple for any bodyguard work?”

“I want someone who isn’t part of the Lair Legion.”

“Because the job could get dirty,” Shrike assumed.

“I’m sure there will be some… unpleasantness involved. I’d rather not say what, at this moment.”

“Sure: plausible deniability. I’ve done corporate s*** before.”

“Splendid,” Muffy placed her well-manicured thumbnail onto the document, “Here is your proposed salary. We will provide medical and legal assistance for any incidents that occur while you are performing your duties. Also, it says we will give such aforementioned support retroactively to any and all charges that occur prior to your employment.”

“Huh, yeah, sure,” Simon said absently, he was still processing all the zeroes that went behind his salary, “I’m in. Gotta pen?”

“Of course,” the scientist answered, pulling one from the bun knotted in the back of her hair.

Simon Maddicks scribbled his signature at the bottom of the contract. Watching as Muffy produced a stamp from her coat pocket and notarized it, he commented, “How come Harper hasn’t signed it? Isn’t he like, the boss?”

“No,” Dr. Framlicker replied somewhat curtly, before relaxing to explain, “Not exactly. Dr. Harper handles the more… abstract thinking at EEE. I do most of the paperwork, since it’s really too important to leave for him.”

There was a knock on the door, and then Cody Harper poked his head in, “Hey, Muffy? You wouldn’t happen to have change for the vending machine, would you? It won’t take my dollar and Kara’s grumbling something about singularity theorems and localized black holes. I’m not sure she wants to drop me or it into one, but she’s working on some real heavy math—“

“We’ll head for the commissary once we’re done here,” Muffy Framlicker promised, “Now; get Kara so you both can be introduced to your new bodyguard.”

“Who? Him?” Cody looked at the man strapped to his hospital bed.

“Who? Me?” Simon Maddicks stared agog at one half of his proposed assignment.

Muffy smiled, quite pleased with herself. With a mysterious enemy making moves against EEE and its subsidiaries, it was important to protect the resources of the company. And certainly no one would quarrel with the notion that children were the most valuable resource of all.

To Be Continued


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